when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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