i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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