is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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