what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
