I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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