shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
