i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
