i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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