I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize