Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Randomize
