Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
As shirtless as possible
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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