I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize