your parents love me but you hate me
another moral hangover. fuck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
