So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize