My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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