yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize