First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
being pregnant is like rehab
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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