Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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