my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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