fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
