Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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