i permit you to call me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
