u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I did not marry a roomba.
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