How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
