It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
