Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
