Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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