True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
