You work out of a Hotel?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
