Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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