I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
