Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
