Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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