i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
