omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
