I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Every concussion has its silver lining
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
