Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
