im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
