If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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