If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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