Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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