6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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