I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
