I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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