Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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