i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
