I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
