broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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