I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
