i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize