It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
