My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
