A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
