I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
