I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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