I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
