remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
