Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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