i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
