it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
