i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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