It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
