The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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