I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
BRING THE BAGELS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
