Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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